Witchcraft and Surviving Narcissistic Abuse - The Aries Full Moon
Today is October 1st, 2020. A Full Moon in Aries reveals itself tonight, and it brings all those Aries traits we know and love - some impulsivity, brutality, and self centeredness. But it also brings a warrior spirit, strong feelings and even healing anger. However, if you’re like me and you were raised in a household where a Narcissist held the reins, you’re probably having trouble getting in touch with *rightful* anger & warrior spirit. It’s pretty likely that you were taught that if you get angry about the truth, that makes you impulsive, brutal and self centered. Moreover, you probably have a lot of trouble making decisions, standing up for yourself, and trusting your instincts; After all, getting angry, even when it’s warranted, makes you abusive… right? Feels like walking on eggshells, doesn’t it? These are all common signs of being effected by a Narcissist.
I spent the majority of my teen years and twenties entering into those same dynamics as my psyche worked to untie the abuse of my narcissistic parent - and that abuse is no joke. If you don’t already know, Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a long-term pattern of exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive craving for admiration, and struggles with empathy.[2][3] People with NPD often spend much time daydreaming about achieving power and success, or on their appearance.[3] This is a pattern of obsessive thoughts and unstable sense of identity, often to cope with a sub-par real life.
Now, to be very clear, I am not a mental health professional and I am not claiming to offer any medical advice or academia that would be offered by such a person. But, I am a survivor of this abuse and I can tell you a little bit about my experience and what I’ve learned as a survivor: people can exist on the spectrum of narcissism, and certainly we’ve all acted in, “narcissistic ways,” (i.e. we’ve been selfish, we’ve acted out, we’ve been overly preoccupied with our appearance,) but to be diagnosed with this disorder is a very, very different thing. Someone can be, “narcissistic,” without being diagnosed with NPD. I share this because it’s also likely that, if you’ve survived prolonged narcissistic abuse, you’ve been convinced more than once that you are the problem through an abuse tactic called gaslighting. (Gaslighting is an abuse tactic used to slowly erode a victim’s sense of self and reality over time in order to create dependance on the abuser. It’s extremely harmful and it’s difficult to escape, especially if it goes on for a long time.)
My sense of self from a young age was always up for debate. My reality was never mine to decide, and even when the truth was blatant, my Narcissist parent would often, to my face, deny that truth. As a child, this was a destructive force that felt impossible to return from. It also made me an easy target in later years for further abuse from people who possessed the same traits as that parent.
So, what does this have to do with witchcraft?
Well, I’ll start here: in witchcraft, there is no hierarchy. You are the priest, you are the clergy, and you are the person who holds the magic. For people who have felt as though their magic was being ripped away or dimmed by a narcissist, this is extremely powerful. Furthermore, most of witchcraft has to do with intuition, knowing your feelings, and trusting yourself, fully. For a victim of gaslighting, listening to your gut can be life changing. It also takes time to rebuild that internal system, and the simple act of meditation or pulling tarot cards and listening for answers can be an extraordinary instrument in recalibrating that structure.
Depending on who you work with and how sensitive you are, you might also experience ancestors and guardians who will help guide you through this process.
When I was a child, I saw spirits and entities regularly - some of which I knew were certainly attached to my narcissistic parent. I wondered for a while if I something was wrong with me, until other people started mentioning seeing the same things in my household. Then, I started speaking up. I even saw an ancestor that regularly hovered above my bed, which was later confirmed by my family to be a great-grandmother I’d never met. She’s still with me to this day.
To this day, I still see entities, and I even see the same entities that were attached to my narcissistic parent attached to other people. Even with confirmations and evidence, the voice of the 10-year-old who’s reality was up for debate still pipes up: “what if I’m just crazy?” This uncertainty was further drilled into my psyche by my Catholic upbringing, which taught me that certainly, I was evil and something was indeed wrong with me. Instead of honoring my sensitivities and empathy, I tried to shut them away and be, “better.”
The first time I drew a tarot card, I felt strange excitement and nervousness. That fear of entities that were associated with Catholicism returned, and I wondered if I was taking a path that would land me… well, no where a good Catholic wants to end up.
But, despite what my mind (which desperately wanted to protect me from being hurt again) was telling me, I pressed on. Because in my gut and in my heart, I felt something strong, clear, and sure. My own intuition returning to me. I was surprised by my response to the cards - knowingness, clear-cut answers - not from above, but from inside me. I started to realize that I actually knew all I needed to know, all I had to do was quiet my mind and listen. I started to notice that when I thought about the cards I’d pulled, my readings were way off. But when I allowed my intuition to come forward, no matter how absurd the answers seemed, I was always correct. As years passed and I began reading for others, this proved even more true: my gut was and is always right.
I do want to be very clear, that I am an avid supporter of therapy, and if you have been the victim of narcissistic abuse, I highly recommend seeking professional guidance to heal. My healing has not solely taken place at my altar and with my cards, but with years of professional guidance and hard work. Learning the difference between your gut kicking and feeling triggered is something that the cards will not teach you, and that difference is paramount.
Our brains are pretty amazing: but for survivors of narcissistic abuse, it’s important to understand that our brains are trying to, “be good,” to prevent further abuse. When you’re a child and your sense of self is diminished, you continue looking for that parent to tell you what’s real. Witchcraft can, for many of us, become that higher power that shows us that although our parent(s) didn’t give us the tools to trust ourselves, we, as adults, can give ourselves that gift. Narcissists get their power from people who depend on outside sources for what is real and for their sense of self. If you are sure of yours, they have absolutely no power.
Much like a Narcissist, there are many systems in place today that work to keep us subservient. In America, we experience cultural gaslighting on a regular basis by a white-supremacist president who clearly exhibits signs of NPD. Our culture and family dynamics are often built to stifle sense of self, and nurture a sense of fear instead of confidence and love. We are living in a time of great sickness, and it has been present for long while. It’s no coincidence that people experiencing NPD have grown in number, and yes, it is directly like to colonialism & capitalism - but that’s a blog for another moon.
Practicing witchcraft (or whatever you want to call it!) is about listening to the truth as you understand it, following your intuition, protecting your energy, taking up space and manifesting your life to please you and no one else. It is in and of itself an act of defiance toward fascism and a tool that can be utilized toward rehabilitation and the healing of a culture that finds itself lost in the dynamic of, “alternative facts.” (Anyone else raised in a narcissistic family dynamic familiar with alternative facts? Yeah - they’re called lies.)
So, As this Full Moon in Aries rises, and you are like me, allow that anger to rise. Hold on to it, warrior. Stand your ground; because with anger comes clarity. With anger comes the will to fight back. Anger means knowing yourself. Your apathy was designed, hand crafted by those who would steamroll you and your sense of self. Your anger does not make you abusive. Your anger makes you whole.
Tonight, as I know many of us are exhausted for personal and cultural reasons I hope we can cry out into the light of the moon. I hope we can sob, rage, and release. Allow that anger to move through you, friend. You have every reason to be angry. Then, pick up your weapon and your shield. Know you are protected, you are strong, and if they had no reason to fear you, they would not work so hard to destroy you.
As Above, So Below.
As always, With Love and Solidarity,
Morgan
If you think you might be in the midst of an abusive relationship involving gaslighting and narcissistic abuse, seek outside support as soon as possible. You deserve a safe and fulfilling life.
You can read a little about signs you might be experiencing abuse here:
https://www.healthline.com/health/narcissistic-victim-syndrome#reaching-out
And you can call this hotline if you need to talk.
https://www.thehotline.org/